Sheep, you are all sheep consuming mainstream culture accepting anything and everything as truth. How can you leave the flock though? Leaving all the culturally brainwashed sheep in the herd that you left, to walk mindlessly to the slaughter, like so many ill fated lemmings.
Well readers, I am pleased to announce I have left the mindless flock, blazing my own rebellious path. I no longer recycle, shower, or obey basic parking regulations, I even own a leather jacket. Now reader, what can you do to advance to my level of rebellion? Well, we'll start small, stop listening to any music your fellow sheep listen to, the new music you switch must have the word fuck in each of their songs, nothing is more rebellious than swearing.
Which brings me to my next point, with the music you listen to having a constant barrage of swear words, you need to insert an expletive into every sentence your rebellious mouth speaks. Take my recent incursion at our local school board meeting, at first I went to simply spread my attractive self and thoughts, to more than just the internet. But it got way out of hand as people were drawn to me, fawning over me, complementing my genius, even allowing me to go onstage and drop a knowledge bomb. Now the flock of sheep that was the audience wouldn't accept my knowledge without realizing how anti-establishment I was. So I not only punched the superintendent, but called him a " (edit) *the man disapproves of my excellent vocabulary* Puppy Killer" while I pinned him to the floor. This didn't just wake the sleeping audience members up, it also brought the local police in to hear my idea for a tropical paradise day at the local pool, that I promptly proposed once the superintendent had regained his composure. While at the end of the meeting I had to be escorted out, and the motion for a tropical paradise day was rejected, I gained a silent respect within the the community. I even put a plaque up for myself in city hall.
But swearing, while essential to my accomplishments within the community is not the only tool within my rebellious toolbox. Some say my hammer of sorts, is violence. As you can see when at city hall I grabbed the audiences attention setting up the nail of my idea with multiple poignant swears, finally driving the nail home with a mighty swing from my hammer of violence that landed squarely on the superintendent, leaving the audience a nail of an idea lodged in their brain, effectively alerting the world to your rebellion as well as any ideas you may have to improve the community.
Broadcasting your rebellion to anyone in you proximity isn't enough though, you'll have to internalize your rebellion as well. To be truly rebellious, you have to honestly see the unknowing flock of sheep that is humanity, as well as actually own a leather jacket. It's no good to just say these things. So please buy leather, swear, fight, and become the rebel that so many aspire to be.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Judge Thine Neighbor
With my ungodly levels of beauty, and intelligence I have decided that in this post I could share a little. However you may ask, how do I know you're so attractive and intelligent? couldn't you be some obese 40 year old living in your mothers basement staying at Scott's place on the weekend to play dungeons and dragons? Within seconds of asking that question though, the more attractive readers among will immediately realize that I am the attractive and intelligent man advertised. The unattractive readers though will still be pondering the aforementioned question, and will surely be puzzled once more as at how their attractive comrades have judged my character so quickly and so well.
Well it is a gift, a gift I am willing to share today with the less attractive among us. My judgmental persona was gifted to me at birth, in fact the nurses said within the hospital I inhabited for the first few hours of my life that I was able to immediately single out all the ugly unwanted babies within five minutes, putting them in a separate corner using the centrifugal force of my rocking carriage to ram their own carriages away from the cool and attractive children within the room. When my infant mind made these quick assumptions, it turned out I was right with 9 of the 10 babies I separated being put up for adoption within the year. The 10th child is now frolicking somewhere within Eurasia, running a small country as a ruthless dictator in order to compensate for the love he never received as a child.
As the years have passed this natural gift luckily hasn't left me, I still am able to part rooms like the red sea with my judgment. Making myself a as a judgmental Moses of sorts. But my disciples may ask me but how, oh attractive man, how can we recognize those less cool than us? Well, It's simple really, you must abide by these 10 simple guidelines to judge those around you.
1.How do they talk?
This one is simple, avoid those among us who use texting lingo, or say any expression involving the word willikers.
2.How do they look?
Samuel L. Jackson said this better than I ever could
3. How do they smell?
Lets be honest you can smell hippies, avoid them.
4. How do they walk?
Some punks think they can put a little bit of swagger in their walk, show them the swagger in your fist.
5.How strong are they?
If the first four steps have failed you, challenge your intended target to an arm wrestling match, if they refuse and/or loose the challenge, they are obviously a lesser person than you and don't desrve a fraction of your attention.
6.How long do they maintain eye contact?
Be the alpha male/female and stare down those you intend to judge, if they look away or avoid your alpha stare, call them out for the uncool pile of shit they are.
7.How do they cut their hair?
Why some people butcher their hair is unclear to me, growing it to extreme lengths, dying it alien colors, and generally looking like a tool. Unnatural hair is a sure sign of an all-around horrible person undeserving of the very air they breathe.
8.How many languages can they speak?
If someone greets you with a badly accented and butchered Hola why the hell are you talking to them, do you speak Spanish? no, pretend they're talking to someone who actually speaks the language and carry on undisturbed.
9.How tall are they?
How are you gonna talk to someone a foot taller than you? you can't talk to a chin. Pretend those of extreme heights, whether that be short or tall, are extremely creaky furniture.
10. Are they attractive?
Why you would ever talk to an ugly person? Why am I even asking that question?
Well it is a gift, a gift I am willing to share today with the less attractive among us. My judgmental persona was gifted to me at birth, in fact the nurses said within the hospital I inhabited for the first few hours of my life that I was able to immediately single out all the ugly unwanted babies within five minutes, putting them in a separate corner using the centrifugal force of my rocking carriage to ram their own carriages away from the cool and attractive children within the room. When my infant mind made these quick assumptions, it turned out I was right with 9 of the 10 babies I separated being put up for adoption within the year. The 10th child is now frolicking somewhere within Eurasia, running a small country as a ruthless dictator in order to compensate for the love he never received as a child.
As the years have passed this natural gift luckily hasn't left me, I still am able to part rooms like the red sea with my judgment. Making myself a as a judgmental Moses of sorts. But my disciples may ask me but how, oh attractive man, how can we recognize those less cool than us? Well, It's simple really, you must abide by these 10 simple guidelines to judge those around you.
1.How do they talk?
This one is simple, avoid those among us who use texting lingo, or say any expression involving the word willikers.
2.How do they look?
Samuel L. Jackson said this better than I ever could
3. How do they smell?
Lets be honest you can smell hippies, avoid them.
4. How do they walk?
Some punks think they can put a little bit of swagger in their walk, show them the swagger in your fist.
5.How strong are they?
If the first four steps have failed you, challenge your intended target to an arm wrestling match, if they refuse and/or loose the challenge, they are obviously a lesser person than you and don't desrve a fraction of your attention.
6.How long do they maintain eye contact?
Be the alpha male/female and stare down those you intend to judge, if they look away or avoid your alpha stare, call them out for the uncool pile of shit they are.
7.How do they cut their hair?
Why some people butcher their hair is unclear to me, growing it to extreme lengths, dying it alien colors, and generally looking like a tool. Unnatural hair is a sure sign of an all-around horrible person undeserving of the very air they breathe.
8.How many languages can they speak?
If someone greets you with a badly accented and butchered Hola why the hell are you talking to them, do you speak Spanish? no, pretend they're talking to someone who actually speaks the language and carry on undisturbed.
9.How tall are they?
How are you gonna talk to someone a foot taller than you? you can't talk to a chin. Pretend those of extreme heights, whether that be short or tall, are extremely creaky furniture.
10. Are they attractive?
Why you would ever talk to an ugly person? Why am I even asking that question?
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