Judge Thine Neighbor

  With my ungodly levels of beauty, and intelligence I have decided that in this post I could share a little. However you may ask, how do I know you're so attractive and intelligent? couldn't you be some obese 40 year old living in your mothers basement staying at Scott's place on the weekend to play dungeons and dragons? Within seconds of asking that question though, the more attractive readers among will immediately realize that I am the attractive and intelligent man advertised. The unattractive readers though will still be pondering the aforementioned question, and will surely be puzzled once more as at how their attractive comrades have judged my character so quickly and so well.
   Well it is a gift, a gift I am willing to share today with the less attractive among us. My judgmental persona was gifted to me at birth, in fact the nurses said within the hospital I inhabited for the first few hours of my life that I was able to immediately single out all the ugly unwanted babies within five minutes, putting them in a separate corner  using the centrifugal force of my rocking carriage to ram their own carriages away from the cool and attractive children within the room.  When my infant mind made these quick assumptions, it turned out I was right with 9 of the 10 babies I separated being put up for adoption within the year. The 10th child is now frolicking somewhere within Eurasia, running a small country as a ruthless dictator in order to compensate for the love he never received as a child.
  As the years have passed this natural gift luckily hasn't left me, I still am able to part rooms like the red sea with my judgment. Making myself a as a judgmental Moses of sorts. But my disciples may ask me but how, oh attractive man, how can we recognize those less cool than us? Well, It's simple really, you must abide by these 10 simple guidelines to judge those around you.

1.How do they talk?
This one is simple, avoid those among us who use texting lingo, or say any expression involving the word willikers.


2.How do they look?
Samuel L. Jackson said this better than I ever could

3. How do they smell?
Lets be honest you can smell hippies, avoid them.

4. How do they walk?
Some punks think they can put a little bit of swagger in their walk, show them the swagger in your fist.


5.How strong are they?
If the first four steps have failed you, challenge your intended target to an arm wrestling match, if they refuse and/or loose the challenge, they are obviously a lesser person than you and don't desrve a fraction of your attention.

6.How  long do they maintain eye contact?
Be the alpha male/female and stare down those you intend to judge, if they look away or avoid your alpha stare, call them out for the uncool pile of shit they are.

7.How do they cut their hair?
Why some people butcher their hair is unclear to me, growing it to extreme lengths, dying it alien colors, and generally looking like a tool. Unnatural hair is a sure sign of an all-around horrible person undeserving of the very air they breathe.

8.How many languages can they speak?
If someone greets you with a badly accented and butchered Hola why the hell are you talking to them, do you speak Spanish? no, pretend they're talking to someone who actually speaks the language and carry on undisturbed.

9.How tall are they?
How are you gonna talk to someone a foot taller than you? you can't talk to a chin. Pretend those of extreme heights, whether that be short or tall, are extremely creaky furniture.

10. Are they attractive?
Why you would ever talk to an ugly person? Why am I even asking that question?