Readers I know you love me, but you don't really love the real me. I am not some super attractive prison inmate, known for his contributions to the local community as well as the internet. I am in fact a super attractive 16 year old upstanding citizen known for his contributions to the community, and this blog was the result of a non-fiction writing class that I now have to reflect on.
I really did enjoy the class especially this blog aspect it really allowed me to explore my personality seeing exactly how much of a jackass I could be in my writing, and writing a character rather than yourself is quite the experience as well. However I think I may have stretched the boundaries of the blog a little, as very little of my stories are true and thus not non-fiction writing. In my defense a few were true (the old shampoo lady was an actual experience). It was also a really easy way to workshop a lot of writing. Students could post comments on their peers writing rather than spending multiple days in class discussing the writing.
As for the rest of the class, as in not blogs, I really like how well some of the essays prepared me for my college essays, at least I hope they did I have no idea what college essays are actually like. Either way good stuff, including the books. Botany of Desire should be read next year by the way. It really shows how informal a research type book can be which I really had never seen before.
I do however wish there were more people on my level of attractiveness, that really needs to be fixed next year, someone should form a committee or something.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
F*** tha Police
Readers I write this from a cage, a cage for the soul, body, and minds of men. The Santa-Monica penitentiary center. Now readers you may be asking how I got into such a predicament being so attractive. Well readers this predicament started while I was cruising the California countryside in my Lamborghini. Some of the popo seemed to take offense to my cruising speed of around 120 mph, their lights went on as soon as I passed their waiting squad cars. The police were obviously jealous of my lambo's cruising speed racing me through the valley, with the meow of the fuzz's ford matching the roar of my high performance Lamborghini, the orchestra of speed was echoing off all walls of the canyon. When, after a solid hour of racing, we reached the outskirts of L.A. I pulled over and waited to congratulate the officer on the excellent effort he had put in despite his loss. However when I pulled over he seemed angry over losing to me even pulling his gun on me. I re-assured the officer I was attractive and there was no reason to resort to violence. This officer was so uptight that when i tried to pull his gun down he pulled his taser on me delivering 50,000 volts straight into my sexy frame. After collapsing into an attractive lump on the ground I was put into the squad car and taken to the nearby police station.
Once inside the police station I was given one phone call. I of course called my good friend Mitt Romney to bail me out, he must've been playing a joke on me or something, as he pretended not to know who the attractive man was. It's probably a Mormon thing. So I've now spent the last three nights sitting in this fine disceplanary establishment with multiple other upstanding citizens. My favorite inmate is Fred he taught me how to make a shank out of steak and an old sock. However Bill told me to shank the guard with my newly fashioned blade or else he would hit me so hard my mother would hurt. But the joke was on him because my mom is dead so I didn't shank the guard, this seemed to piss Bill off who I was forced to apprehend with my steak & sock shank, the shank was actually surprisingly effective he hit the floor hard so big shout out to Fred for passing on his street knowledge.
Now the warden, after Bill's apprehension at my hands, has said something about aggravated assault and a life sentence. As he rambled though all I could think of were the words of the great Ice-T and his ragtag team of poets known as N.W.A. "F*** the police coming straight form the underground." So readers as I begin my new life as inmate 3469 remember Ice-T's words and fight the good fight, the good attractive fight.
Once inside the police station I was given one phone call. I of course called my good friend Mitt Romney to bail me out, he must've been playing a joke on me or something, as he pretended not to know who the attractive man was. It's probably a Mormon thing. So I've now spent the last three nights sitting in this fine disceplanary establishment with multiple other upstanding citizens. My favorite inmate is Fred he taught me how to make a shank out of steak and an old sock. However Bill told me to shank the guard with my newly fashioned blade or else he would hit me so hard my mother would hurt. But the joke was on him because my mom is dead so I didn't shank the guard, this seemed to piss Bill off who I was forced to apprehend with my steak & sock shank, the shank was actually surprisingly effective he hit the floor hard so big shout out to Fred for passing on his street knowledge.
Now the warden, after Bill's apprehension at my hands, has said something about aggravated assault and a life sentence. As he rambled though all I could think of were the words of the great Ice-T and his ragtag team of poets known as N.W.A. "F*** the police coming straight form the underground." So readers as I begin my new life as inmate 3469 remember Ice-T's words and fight the good fight, the good attractive fight.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Atrractive Women With An Attractive Man
Well readers, I have to admit a mistake, a sexy mistake though. I have forgotten to tell you all exactly to be attractive. And no, dear reader, you will never be a attractive as me, yet you can be more attractive than those immediately around you.
Don't get too excited reader, the path to attractiveness is still a long and arduous one. Fear not though you have me to guide you, and I have a P.H.D. in sexiness, graduating valedictorian of my class at sexy-university. So you no longer have to sink your parents trust fund into some worthless college to be attractive, especially when you have someone of my caliber teaching you.
Well getting started, the main thing you have to remember when being attractive is the simple Acronym L.A.D.I.E.S.?. (Look And Determine, Is Everyone Staring ?). If you walk into a room and everyone is staring you may have taken a step in the right direction, If you're doing it right people should be taking off their pants and other various articles of clothing. If on the other hand you're doing it wrong people will be taking out their mace, avoid this outcome.
But how do you get everyone's longing stare rather than a restraining order you ask. Well you first need to hit the gym, a fat person showing skin is traumatizing, a toned person showing skin is invigorating. So pump iron, put in laps, and most importantly chug a few steak milkshakes for protein.
So now you've hit the gym reader and you're the bluffest of the buff. But your face, your face is hideous. Did Helen Thomas and a Griffin have a baby? You need some serious work reader, and by work I mean plastic surgery, which is pretty self explanatory, insert plastic into your face until your attractive. I personally used legos they work extraordinarily for a broad square chin.
Well reader your face is probably a little sore but you're almost attractive, yes you look the part but there's a reason beauty pageants have entire sections devoted to your personality, I can't remember exactly why currently. But personality is obviously important to beauty queens, so in order to make this final step you need to have a "family"no not a real family necessarily, just a cute and loving one to give you the illusion of personality. So you now at all times have multiple adopted children who came to your welcoming home in order to escape the various atrocities in their various home countries. So now that you have a family, you must bring all conversations back to your adopted children in the most subtle way possible. For example your co-worker is complaining about the weather, mention how horrible the weather was back in your childs home country where a crazed dictator used a weather machine to enslave the populace killing millions in the process.
Well reader supposing you've read this far you probably followed my advice, and damn are you looking fine, congratulations. Celebrate by picking up various supermodels in your newly acquired Lamborghini, and remember, have fun you sexy animal.
Don't get too excited reader, the path to attractiveness is still a long and arduous one. Fear not though you have me to guide you, and I have a P.H.D. in sexiness, graduating valedictorian of my class at sexy-university. So you no longer have to sink your parents trust fund into some worthless college to be attractive, especially when you have someone of my caliber teaching you.
Well getting started, the main thing you have to remember when being attractive is the simple Acronym L.A.D.I.E.S.?. (Look And Determine, Is Everyone Staring ?). If you walk into a room and everyone is staring you may have taken a step in the right direction, If you're doing it right people should be taking off their pants and other various articles of clothing. If on the other hand you're doing it wrong people will be taking out their mace, avoid this outcome.
But how do you get everyone's longing stare rather than a restraining order you ask. Well you first need to hit the gym, a fat person showing skin is traumatizing, a toned person showing skin is invigorating. So pump iron, put in laps, and most importantly chug a few steak milkshakes for protein.
So now you've hit the gym reader and you're the bluffest of the buff. But your face, your face is hideous. Did Helen Thomas and a Griffin have a baby? You need some serious work reader, and by work I mean plastic surgery, which is pretty self explanatory, insert plastic into your face until your attractive. I personally used legos they work extraordinarily for a broad square chin.
Well reader your face is probably a little sore but you're almost attractive, yes you look the part but there's a reason beauty pageants have entire sections devoted to your personality, I can't remember exactly why currently. But personality is obviously important to beauty queens, so in order to make this final step you need to have a "family"no not a real family necessarily, just a cute and loving one to give you the illusion of personality. So you now at all times have multiple adopted children who came to your welcoming home in order to escape the various atrocities in their various home countries. So now that you have a family, you must bring all conversations back to your adopted children in the most subtle way possible. For example your co-worker is complaining about the weather, mention how horrible the weather was back in your childs home country where a crazed dictator used a weather machine to enslave the populace killing millions in the process.
Well reader supposing you've read this far you probably followed my advice, and damn are you looking fine, congratulations. Celebrate by picking up various supermodels in your newly acquired Lamborghini, and remember, have fun you sexy animal.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Bahhhh
Sheep, you are all sheep consuming mainstream culture accepting anything and everything as truth. How can you leave the flock though? Leaving all the culturally brainwashed sheep in the herd that you left, to walk mindlessly to the slaughter, like so many ill fated lemmings.
Well readers, I am pleased to announce I have left the mindless flock, blazing my own rebellious path. I no longer recycle, shower, or obey basic parking regulations, I even own a leather jacket. Now reader, what can you do to advance to my level of rebellion? Well, we'll start small, stop listening to any music your fellow sheep listen to, the new music you switch must have the word fuck in each of their songs, nothing is more rebellious than swearing.
Which brings me to my next point, with the music you listen to having a constant barrage of swear words, you need to insert an expletive into every sentence your rebellious mouth speaks. Take my recent incursion at our local school board meeting, at first I went to simply spread my attractive self and thoughts, to more than just the internet. But it got way out of hand as people were drawn to me, fawning over me, complementing my genius, even allowing me to go onstage and drop a knowledge bomb. Now the flock of sheep that was the audience wouldn't accept my knowledge without realizing how anti-establishment I was. So I not only punched the superintendent, but called him a " (edit) *the man disapproves of my excellent vocabulary* Puppy Killer" while I pinned him to the floor. This didn't just wake the sleeping audience members up, it also brought the local police in to hear my idea for a tropical paradise day at the local pool, that I promptly proposed once the superintendent had regained his composure. While at the end of the meeting I had to be escorted out, and the motion for a tropical paradise day was rejected, I gained a silent respect within the the community. I even put a plaque up for myself in city hall.
But swearing, while essential to my accomplishments within the community is not the only tool within my rebellious toolbox. Some say my hammer of sorts, is violence. As you can see when at city hall I grabbed the audiences attention setting up the nail of my idea with multiple poignant swears, finally driving the nail home with a mighty swing from my hammer of violence that landed squarely on the superintendent, leaving the audience a nail of an idea lodged in their brain, effectively alerting the world to your rebellion as well as any ideas you may have to improve the community.
Broadcasting your rebellion to anyone in you proximity isn't enough though, you'll have to internalize your rebellion as well. To be truly rebellious, you have to honestly see the unknowing flock of sheep that is humanity, as well as actually own a leather jacket. It's no good to just say these things. So please buy leather, swear, fight, and become the rebel that so many aspire to be.
Well readers, I am pleased to announce I have left the mindless flock, blazing my own rebellious path. I no longer recycle, shower, or obey basic parking regulations, I even own a leather jacket. Now reader, what can you do to advance to my level of rebellion? Well, we'll start small, stop listening to any music your fellow sheep listen to, the new music you switch must have the word fuck in each of their songs, nothing is more rebellious than swearing.
Which brings me to my next point, with the music you listen to having a constant barrage of swear words, you need to insert an expletive into every sentence your rebellious mouth speaks. Take my recent incursion at our local school board meeting, at first I went to simply spread my attractive self and thoughts, to more than just the internet. But it got way out of hand as people were drawn to me, fawning over me, complementing my genius, even allowing me to go onstage and drop a knowledge bomb. Now the flock of sheep that was the audience wouldn't accept my knowledge without realizing how anti-establishment I was. So I not only punched the superintendent, but called him a " (edit) *the man disapproves of my excellent vocabulary* Puppy Killer" while I pinned him to the floor. This didn't just wake the sleeping audience members up, it also brought the local police in to hear my idea for a tropical paradise day at the local pool, that I promptly proposed once the superintendent had regained his composure. While at the end of the meeting I had to be escorted out, and the motion for a tropical paradise day was rejected, I gained a silent respect within the the community. I even put a plaque up for myself in city hall.
But swearing, while essential to my accomplishments within the community is not the only tool within my rebellious toolbox. Some say my hammer of sorts, is violence. As you can see when at city hall I grabbed the audiences attention setting up the nail of my idea with multiple poignant swears, finally driving the nail home with a mighty swing from my hammer of violence that landed squarely on the superintendent, leaving the audience a nail of an idea lodged in their brain, effectively alerting the world to your rebellion as well as any ideas you may have to improve the community.
Broadcasting your rebellion to anyone in you proximity isn't enough though, you'll have to internalize your rebellion as well. To be truly rebellious, you have to honestly see the unknowing flock of sheep that is humanity, as well as actually own a leather jacket. It's no good to just say these things. So please buy leather, swear, fight, and become the rebel that so many aspire to be.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Judge Thine Neighbor
With my ungodly levels of beauty, and intelligence I have decided that in this post I could share a little. However you may ask, how do I know you're so attractive and intelligent? couldn't you be some obese 40 year old living in your mothers basement staying at Scott's place on the weekend to play dungeons and dragons? Within seconds of asking that question though, the more attractive readers among will immediately realize that I am the attractive and intelligent man advertised. The unattractive readers though will still be pondering the aforementioned question, and will surely be puzzled once more as at how their attractive comrades have judged my character so quickly and so well.
Well it is a gift, a gift I am willing to share today with the less attractive among us. My judgmental persona was gifted to me at birth, in fact the nurses said within the hospital I inhabited for the first few hours of my life that I was able to immediately single out all the ugly unwanted babies within five minutes, putting them in a separate corner using the centrifugal force of my rocking carriage to ram their own carriages away from the cool and attractive children within the room. When my infant mind made these quick assumptions, it turned out I was right with 9 of the 10 babies I separated being put up for adoption within the year. The 10th child is now frolicking somewhere within Eurasia, running a small country as a ruthless dictator in order to compensate for the love he never received as a child.
As the years have passed this natural gift luckily hasn't left me, I still am able to part rooms like the red sea with my judgment. Making myself a as a judgmental Moses of sorts. But my disciples may ask me but how, oh attractive man, how can we recognize those less cool than us? Well, It's simple really, you must abide by these 10 simple guidelines to judge those around you.
1.How do they talk?
This one is simple, avoid those among us who use texting lingo, or say any expression involving the word willikers.
2.How do they look?
Samuel L. Jackson said this better than I ever could
3. How do they smell?
Lets be honest you can smell hippies, avoid them.
4. How do they walk?
Some punks think they can put a little bit of swagger in their walk, show them the swagger in your fist.
5.How strong are they?
If the first four steps have failed you, challenge your intended target to an arm wrestling match, if they refuse and/or loose the challenge, they are obviously a lesser person than you and don't desrve a fraction of your attention.
6.How long do they maintain eye contact?
Be the alpha male/female and stare down those you intend to judge, if they look away or avoid your alpha stare, call them out for the uncool pile of shit they are.
7.How do they cut their hair?
Why some people butcher their hair is unclear to me, growing it to extreme lengths, dying it alien colors, and generally looking like a tool. Unnatural hair is a sure sign of an all-around horrible person undeserving of the very air they breathe.
8.How many languages can they speak?
If someone greets you with a badly accented and butchered Hola why the hell are you talking to them, do you speak Spanish? no, pretend they're talking to someone who actually speaks the language and carry on undisturbed.
9.How tall are they?
How are you gonna talk to someone a foot taller than you? you can't talk to a chin. Pretend those of extreme heights, whether that be short or tall, are extremely creaky furniture.
10. Are they attractive?
Why you would ever talk to an ugly person? Why am I even asking that question?
Well it is a gift, a gift I am willing to share today with the less attractive among us. My judgmental persona was gifted to me at birth, in fact the nurses said within the hospital I inhabited for the first few hours of my life that I was able to immediately single out all the ugly unwanted babies within five minutes, putting them in a separate corner using the centrifugal force of my rocking carriage to ram their own carriages away from the cool and attractive children within the room. When my infant mind made these quick assumptions, it turned out I was right with 9 of the 10 babies I separated being put up for adoption within the year. The 10th child is now frolicking somewhere within Eurasia, running a small country as a ruthless dictator in order to compensate for the love he never received as a child.
As the years have passed this natural gift luckily hasn't left me, I still am able to part rooms like the red sea with my judgment. Making myself a as a judgmental Moses of sorts. But my disciples may ask me but how, oh attractive man, how can we recognize those less cool than us? Well, It's simple really, you must abide by these 10 simple guidelines to judge those around you.
1.How do they talk?
This one is simple, avoid those among us who use texting lingo, or say any expression involving the word willikers.
2.How do they look?
Samuel L. Jackson said this better than I ever could
3. How do they smell?
Lets be honest you can smell hippies, avoid them.
4. How do they walk?
Some punks think they can put a little bit of swagger in their walk, show them the swagger in your fist.
5.How strong are they?
If the first four steps have failed you, challenge your intended target to an arm wrestling match, if they refuse and/or loose the challenge, they are obviously a lesser person than you and don't desrve a fraction of your attention.
6.How long do they maintain eye contact?
Be the alpha male/female and stare down those you intend to judge, if they look away or avoid your alpha stare, call them out for the uncool pile of shit they are.
7.How do they cut their hair?
Why some people butcher their hair is unclear to me, growing it to extreme lengths, dying it alien colors, and generally looking like a tool. Unnatural hair is a sure sign of an all-around horrible person undeserving of the very air they breathe.
8.How many languages can they speak?
If someone greets you with a badly accented and butchered Hola why the hell are you talking to them, do you speak Spanish? no, pretend they're talking to someone who actually speaks the language and carry on undisturbed.
9.How tall are they?
How are you gonna talk to someone a foot taller than you? you can't talk to a chin. Pretend those of extreme heights, whether that be short or tall, are extremely creaky furniture.
10. Are they attractive?
Why you would ever talk to an ugly person? Why am I even asking that question?
Monday, February 28, 2011
You're Welcome World
Haters, Haters everywhere, I can't seem to escape them, from sea to sea there will always be haters, hating. Recently I ran into one of these haters, in of all places the emergency room, as I was waiting for a doctor on account of the head injury I had incurred from my recent airborne-bear wrestling session a women in her late sixty's as well as her husband walked into the room shortly after me. She had a pair of oversized post-surgery sunglasses on, and began to explain her situation loudly to the receptionist. "So there I was, taking a shower before I went out with the girls, when I picked up my herbal-vanilla scented shampoo I have and *schplrt* it just went straight into my eye, just straight into it. It hurt so badly I couldn't open my eye easily, and my husband told me to come here...so here I am." The receptionist responded with a strange look and told her the doctor would be with her shortly. Now there was nothing wrong with the shampoo lady walking into the emergency room for what she thought was an emergency that's not hating at all, however it was hating when she complained how slow the emergency room service was on a Friday night. "They couldn't possibly handle anything too bad tonight." she would say while intermittently muttering something to the nurse at the front desk, as a result of her complaints the women was led back long before anyone else in the waiting room.
This shampoo incident is by far not the worst case of hating I've seen, rather a reminder to all the constant presence hating has in our society, from Kanye to senior citizens everyone is to some degree a hater, not necessarily in a bad way though. Take, for example, a role model such as myself, I'm a hater, but I hate for the good of humanity pointing out those who do the exact opposite, hating negatively and pushing our society into a moral dark age.
Just to make it clear I only call out morally reprehensible haters. I would never want to call out someone who's used their hating for good like I am. These haters that I have dedicated all of my hate too are the ones we all have experienced, the asshole-haters, the ones you avoid because hatin's all they know. These so-called asshole-haters are the ones who see the sun come out and get frustrated at the heightened risk for skin cancer. As you may have guessed from their description, their asshole-hater status is incurable, and can only be recognized and avoided.
While we may not have a cure for assholes, I have a solution. All we would require is a few boats, a majority of Tahiti and some cake. To start we throw a party for every identified asshole-hater alive, (this should be easy accounting for all the assholes I have pointed out) on a small fleet of conjoined cruise ships in the pacific, and once the haters have declared that the party blows, as they are prone to do, the captains will immediately set course for Tahiti, while claiming they are returning home to America to salvage the party. Upon fleet hater arriving at Tahiti, we ditch them there leaving the assholes to hate amongst themselves. And then when the cruise ships return to an asshole-free America, we rename Tahiti Ass-Island in order to dissuade future tourists from visiting and swelling the assholes numbers. Problem solved, please write your local senator.
This shampoo incident is by far not the worst case of hating I've seen, rather a reminder to all the constant presence hating has in our society, from Kanye to senior citizens everyone is to some degree a hater, not necessarily in a bad way though. Take, for example, a role model such as myself, I'm a hater, but I hate for the good of humanity pointing out those who do the exact opposite, hating negatively and pushing our society into a moral dark age.
Just to make it clear I only call out morally reprehensible haters. I would never want to call out someone who's used their hating for good like I am. These haters that I have dedicated all of my hate too are the ones we all have experienced, the asshole-haters, the ones you avoid because hatin's all they know. These so-called asshole-haters are the ones who see the sun come out and get frustrated at the heightened risk for skin cancer. As you may have guessed from their description, their asshole-hater status is incurable, and can only be recognized and avoided.
While we may not have a cure for assholes, I have a solution. All we would require is a few boats, a majority of Tahiti and some cake. To start we throw a party for every identified asshole-hater alive, (this should be easy accounting for all the assholes I have pointed out) on a small fleet of conjoined cruise ships in the pacific, and once the haters have declared that the party blows, as they are prone to do, the captains will immediately set course for Tahiti, while claiming they are returning home to America to salvage the party. Upon fleet hater arriving at Tahiti, we ditch them there leaving the assholes to hate amongst themselves. And then when the cruise ships return to an asshole-free America, we rename Tahiti Ass-Island in order to dissuade future tourists from visiting and swelling the assholes numbers. Problem solved, please write your local senator.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
How I Roll (Is how you should roll too)
I love sharing my intelligence as you may have noticed before, but I'm not so unattractive as to only be limited to sharing my infinite wisdom. I feel I should share a more in depth view of my lifestyle. Now just in advance it's okay to be embarrassed, I've worked for years on being as cool as possible, it just take practice.
One of the most important things to remember when becoming cool, is the sheer amount of people in the world, there are billions upon billions of us. You are just a little speck compared to the multitude of humanity that is the planet. Now how does this one little speck that is me stand out, you ask? Well it's quite simple, you have to get the little specks around you to notice your little insgnificant speck. When I say this, I can't stress how important it is for you to realize, you want the other specks admiration, not disgust. Take scene kids, they walk into a room and you, being the neighboring speck immediately notice them. But does it make your little speck want to get close to their little scene speck? no, no it doesn't. Your little speck wants to vacate the area and maybe give that punk a proper haircut.
So, attractive followers, take the scene kids to heart don't become a repulsive speck. But how do I become an attractive speck, you ask? oh dear reader you have so many questions. It's quite easy actually, you first have to say you do something interesting. Take me for example I say I skydive, now isn't that cool? What hobby can say is your own, do you play piano? (make sure it's a cool instrument if you choose music), maybe you're a snake charmer? or a therapist/analyst? no matter what you say just make sure it's interesting.
No you have a cool hobby/job, but do you have a cool look? Once again this is is extremely easy, I would just say to wear a suit. But who has the money to buy a suit when they're being cool? This is the main reason ripped jeans were invented. It's like photo-shop for uncool people, they charge more for less fabric that's so hardcore. And of course the only thing hardcore people wear are skull shirts (Hot topic has a fine selection of these shirts for those unacquainted with where to find such cool clothing).
Right now if you have followed my steps exactly you've moved up the social ladder to the position of poser. This final step to cool however takes a huge commitment, to be truly cool you have to not give a shit about anything...ever. I mean look at that I just swore in a blog that everyone can see, that's so coo. Now what steps are you going to take to be cool? Swearing on the internet may be a good start, but it's a sum of all small things that adds up to not giving a shit. For example do you comb your hair? stop that, how about brushing your teeth? stop that too, normal human contact? stop that entirely (just grunt at everyone). Pretty much anything you do daily that involves an inordinate amount of brain activity or movement you should stop.
This isn't so hard readers, don't screw it up or we may have a larger pool of unattractive readers. I mean I'm cool already, and who could you trust more than a non-shit-giving anti-establishment skydiver?
One of the most important things to remember when becoming cool, is the sheer amount of people in the world, there are billions upon billions of us. You are just a little speck compared to the multitude of humanity that is the planet. Now how does this one little speck that is me stand out, you ask? Well it's quite simple, you have to get the little specks around you to notice your little insgnificant speck. When I say this, I can't stress how important it is for you to realize, you want the other specks admiration, not disgust. Take scene kids, they walk into a room and you, being the neighboring speck immediately notice them. But does it make your little speck want to get close to their little scene speck? no, no it doesn't. Your little speck wants to vacate the area and maybe give that punk a proper haircut.
So, attractive followers, take the scene kids to heart don't become a repulsive speck. But how do I become an attractive speck, you ask? oh dear reader you have so many questions. It's quite easy actually, you first have to say you do something interesting. Take me for example I say I skydive, now isn't that cool? What hobby can say is your own, do you play piano? (make sure it's a cool instrument if you choose music), maybe you're a snake charmer? or a therapist/analyst? no matter what you say just make sure it's interesting.
No you have a cool hobby/job, but do you have a cool look? Once again this is is extremely easy, I would just say to wear a suit. But who has the money to buy a suit when they're being cool? This is the main reason ripped jeans were invented. It's like photo-shop for uncool people, they charge more for less fabric that's so hardcore. And of course the only thing hardcore people wear are skull shirts (Hot topic has a fine selection of these shirts for those unacquainted with where to find such cool clothing).
Right now if you have followed my steps exactly you've moved up the social ladder to the position of poser. This final step to cool however takes a huge commitment, to be truly cool you have to not give a shit about anything...ever. I mean look at that I just swore in a blog that everyone can see, that's so coo. Now what steps are you going to take to be cool? Swearing on the internet may be a good start, but it's a sum of all small things that adds up to not giving a shit. For example do you comb your hair? stop that, how about brushing your teeth? stop that too, normal human contact? stop that entirely (just grunt at everyone). Pretty much anything you do daily that involves an inordinate amount of brain activity or movement you should stop.
This isn't so hard readers, don't screw it up or we may have a larger pool of unattractive readers. I mean I'm cool already, and who could you trust more than a non-shit-giving anti-establishment skydiver?
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Fair Warning
Hello and welcome to my blog, assuming you are attractive. As you can see, I myself am incredibly attractive and have thoughts only those who share my condition can understand. Now those among us who have avoided beauty may still "Read" this blog but may not understand the finer points of my ramblings.To put it simply those of you who are good looking you will get my high caliber thoughts, and embrace them with the sensuous tentacles of knowledge you have developed, but those who disagree can only be described as unattractive and can't understand the high intellectual level of our attractive readership.
You of course, know this is all true, because it's on the internet. Which we all know has very high publishing standards. My relatives are possibly the best examples of this embracing the truth that is the internet, and spreading the good word of those few souls who populate this vast cyberspace. The even preach the teachings of these individuals all over my inbox, in fact I had to make a new e-mail account just to keep one full of interesting facts, statistics, and cats.
While I wrote this post I though of all these interesting facts my grandparents had shared with me , I was overwhelmed with all the topics I could possibly write about. I could've plunged into the deep conspiracy involving poisonous rainbows in our water, the obvious facade the Government is for the Illuminati power structure, or Tupac Shakurs obviously faked death (All Eyez On Me, very telling song, why would he rap about the attention he garners as a rapper, he's dead, no one can look at him in a coffin, unless...he is still alive.). But these buried beacons of truth were all so good, I just decided to spread the good word of the denziens of the internet to you fellow attractive men and women. Stay classy cyberspace stay classy.
You of course, know this is all true, because it's on the internet. Which we all know has very high publishing standards. My relatives are possibly the best examples of this embracing the truth that is the internet, and spreading the good word of those few souls who populate this vast cyberspace. The even preach the teachings of these individuals all over my inbox, in fact I had to make a new e-mail account just to keep one full of interesting facts, statistics, and cats.
While I wrote this post I though of all these interesting facts my grandparents had shared with me , I was overwhelmed with all the topics I could possibly write about. I could've plunged into the deep conspiracy involving poisonous rainbows in our water, the obvious facade the Government is for the Illuminati power structure, or Tupac Shakurs obviously faked death (All Eyez On Me, very telling song, why would he rap about the attention he garners as a rapper, he's dead, no one can look at him in a coffin, unless...he is still alive.). But these buried beacons of truth were all so good, I just decided to spread the good word of the denziens of the internet to you fellow attractive men and women. Stay classy cyberspace stay classy.
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